autumnus: photomanip that looks like a monster with tendrils coming out of face and yellow eyes (anger)
Brief obligatory, I am alive note.

Not a different city this time, but I wasn't out today in that area. So I am ok.

I am sitting here watching twitter and news. I could talk about it, but what would be the point?
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
So I crossed seeing northern lights in person off my bucket list last night. Although I am not sure I ever imagined it would be via a plane.

It amazes me that I was the only one probably who even noticed what was going on outside (plane lights were on, and it wasn't particularly bright, thank god, being on a plane and how close to us they were, I would be a little worried if they were).

They looked green straight lines, like edges of a curtain in S shapes or vague circles in places, in others just like somebody sketched green light on air. Sometimes there would be a bright flare somewhere that slowly slides, and moved the whole thing like curtains. We flew away from it but the cloudy green was there at the horizon for a long time.

... and no, no photos unfortunately. I didn't have my camera with me (my phone is horrible on low light) plus even if I did with reflections from inside it wouldn't have worked. Oh well, maybe there will be a next time...

Now I really want to see them from below through.
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
How does one use social media for networking without drowning in it?

I am an independent artist, and apparently an activist? I am trying to set-up a blog right now, and its only going to get worse from here.

Life

Apr. 17th, 2015 01:51 am
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
Its been a long time since-
"I shouldn't write about myself in a way that reveals my identity" *deletes the draft*

So its been-
"oh wait I still need to write these emails before bed, I completely forgot /o\" *runs away*

I have been meaning to write-
*halfway written and forgotten for next 2 months. Forgotten the punchline completely at that point*

About this recent issue-
"uhhh I don't want this coming back on me and causing trouble" *deletes the post 10 minutes after posting it*

So life, I have been doing-
"I don't want to link this stuff on another account to my this one, its actually my safe space and I am actually having fun" *leaves the draft*

I discovered this GIMP trick other day. Did you know that-
"I should actually save this for my real name blog when I create it and not post it here" *deletes*

I've been meaning to talk about this issue this for a while now-
"unpopular opinion, they won't listen to it anyway, and I don't time to argue with people to convince them I am wrong on internet. I should do something productive instead" *deletes the draft*

So life has been busy. I have-
*gets distracted by a phone call, then an email, then a meeting, then another phone call.*

----

Ok so here is the deal. I haven't been able to finish a single blog post on this account in a very long time. It wasn't for lack of trying. Its just very hard to write these days for various reasons, ranging from personal to practical. My life has been-

*checks the clock* I need to be up in 5 4 hours and be actually FUNCTIONAL in this meeting. Sleep. NOW. *runs*
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
Say you are in stuck in a hole. 

You need a rope to climb out or you don't how how to climb and need to learn that. I am your girl. I'll do what I can to help to help, and try seek others too if possible.

It is possible there IS no way out of the hole. I'll stay close to you, as much as I can, and try to be there even if you are scared and in pain.

If you want me to go down to your hole with you because you are stuck there, or think that I should take your place because it is my turn or something, that's not going to happen. I don't care how you ended up in the hole, I don't care how unfair it was. I didn't push you to your hole. I am not the one keeping you down there even if you think me responsible by simple virtue of not being in one.

Besides, what makes you think you know where I am?  You don't know which holes I have been in, which holes I am still stuck in. Just because my voice is coming from above you or that I am trying help doesn't mean I am closer to surface than you are.

Maybe I have just sat in a much, much deeper hole than you can imagine in past so this doesn't feel so bad.

Maybe I have never seen anyone outside the hole when I was younger so I thought everyone was in holes. So I learned to how to live in them instead. I mean learning to climb around a little and a make-shift light and it is almost like my own little surface down here some days.

I am not saying you will be able to do those things, each hole is different, regardless of depth. I won't judge you if you don't judge me.

...and the rope offer still stands by the way.

Who knows, together we might even pull each other up.

132

Oct. 1st, 2014 10:28 pm
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
A drop into the past, does it make a sound?

Sometimes there is nothing, it is absorbed, just gone.

Sometimes you hear an echo, a time that no longer is. 

Its jarring and loud.

Not all is lost, something new can always begin from ashes of old.

...but the old is gone. (old you is gone).

It is the road, I know, that makes me like this. It will be better tomorrow...

but tonight ghosts crowd in, of the ones I was.



even these words...
autumnus: A woman looking down hands in pockets of the pants, a bit lost.  (mentalist)
One of my goals set for my 30th birthday was to start blogging again.

I used to blog regularly. Almost every day when I was younger, a couple of times each month to each week depending on schedule during college. What happened is that sometime in 2007 my mind decided it was too scary to be exposed in this political climate so I shut down, gradually.

and I became invisible. I did! With very few exceptions I stopped writing in public, I stopped having my pictures taken. My social media presences are ghosts, divided and subdivided into sections.

One thing I learned over last couple of years through, is that, you cannot stay safe through silence. You don't have to be inflammatory and put a target on yourself. (although ironically the few times I chose to become visible, I do gravitate toward politics and hot topics). It is about being out there, just being who you are,  saying "I am here, I exist". Even that - as it turns out- has power.

It... just... is... hard.

I try to remember why I loved being present, sharing my whole life, my thoughts and feelings with the world. It is supposed to be normal to like to talk about oneself, it is why we love social media so much. Instead, now I find it hard to break the silence, to become visible again.

Invisibility is easy once you get into the habit. However, it also is a cocoon, constricting as much as it is safe. It is also too easy to go from not speaking to not thinking, to not acting.

... and a slippery slope from there.


Addendum: 
It is not an autumnus entry without an edit. :) I forgot to add the point of this post. Sometimes friends (and strangers) can help, when a task is difficult. In this case you can help me. Ask me questions, suggest me topics. You can do it here as a comment or as a pm, or email. First 10 queries (if I get any at all), I will write about/answer to in public within next month.
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
So... I have been asked to talk about race on a con panel recently (I can give more detailed information on it if requested, I just cannot say more without linking my real name here).

I will from the context of internationality and how it interacts with racism discussion within fandom. Now I could talk about my experiences and let it be. however if anyone have any links, or their own thoughts they would like to share I would be grateful.

Comments are screened by default (in case anyone want to impart thoughts that they don't want out there in open). If you want to keep it public please say so in the comment. (replies to public comments will be made public) 
autumnus: photomanip that looks like a monster with tendrils coming out of face and yellow eyes (anger)
My country just managed to break twitter. That's new.

edit: so apparently it wasn't us... according to twitter. *remains unconvinced*
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (dreamer)
Just interrupting the quiet because this happened twice in last weeks.

You are communicating with someone who has split their fannish id or pseudonym from their real identity. You need to ask them something or mention them.

Stop.

If you are replying to a written quote on internet, make sure you reply to the name declared in that quote.

If not, think on which context you want to refer to that person in.

Then think on which name they use in that context: org, real life, fannish politics or whatever.

Use that name. If they switched name, follow the switch. Ask if you are not certain.

Do not comment on their fannish account publicly or friends locked, on a topic that they are associated with under real name or vice versa, unless they okayed it. Ask the person if you are not certain.

Your carelessness can cause someone to get harassed, lose their job or get arrested in some countries. So pay attention. Their safety is more important than you posting that status or blog post 2 min faster.

OTW Survey

Apr. 27th, 2012 01:38 pm
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
A grey circle with black border that contains three ticky boxes, each with a word next to it: OTW, survey, taker
I took the OTW Community Survey!



I think there is like less than a week left until the survey is closed and it really doesn't take a long time to complete.
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
I was planning to write about OTW election results and some other stuff but eh... life had other plans.

Plans involving certified repair making the computer almost worse than before. Anyhow spent last 3 days fixing and reinstalling a computer, it is more or less in a functional state. (have email, have a browser, windows and virusscan updates done, and just today WoW reinstalled)

still missing some games, need to finish backups I started and oh yes do everything else that was on pause from real life be back soon....

...ish
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
So I've been convinced to (or more like brainwashed into) buying Skyrim. I THINK it is available in Turkey now but in between looking for it and having to actually leave the house I am also considering Steam as an option.

(Only ye gods big download)

Anyone actually tried using Steam before? How does it work (you get a copy of the setup file for yourself or do you have to redownload it each time?)

I am not going to ask about activation because I know the game requires a steam account even if I buy it boxed. (irritating...)
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)

Graphic displaying text 'I Voted!' in black on a white field. A red OTW logo replaces the letter O

actually I did 2 minutes after the ballot opened the first day but yay for cute graphics. :)

polls are closing... now!

hope the results are best for the org. whatever they are.

autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
OTW Board Elections are happening now. Remember to cast your ballot!

Also if you have time to read one last post about the elections and who to vote for. read
OTW: Thoughts on nonprofit adolescence (and why I feel NN is not right for the board, right now)
by [personal profile] elements 

It is an eloquent, level headed and thought provoking post about what is causing the problems we are seeing in the org and where to go from here. I disagree that what we are going through is just an org in transition crisis, I agree that 90% of it (at least) is. So go read it and then cast your vote.

best wishes to everyone

(and everybody else who has been suffering from the surprise mass posting on this topic due to subscribing to me, apologies, things should begin quieting down :D )


autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
disclaimer 1: I am a former staffer who took a break from the org, who might return back or not in future.
disclainer 2:  Since I am no longer a volunteer, there is no way on earth my opinions can reflect official opinions of AD&T of OTW or anyone really but myself. :) Just so that we are clear.

Criticism and AD&T

learning from criticism and fixing things are important )

Design and testing process

don't let your coders hog designing. Value user feedback for real and your Q&A team. Document )

AO3 skins what went wrong and what didn't.

the new layout might have failed badly, but the underlying code has the potential to allow better design and testing process for skins and layouts in future )
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
I thought my last post was well... last post about elections, but this just came in for those who are not subscribed to the OTW blogs.

Lucy Pearson withdraws her candidacy from the elections


I am not sure what my thoughts are in this because frankly I don't think I know enough to MAKE a comment.
My current votes are going to be following in following order
  1. Jenny Scott-Thompson
  2. Julia Beck
  3. Nikisha Sanders
  4. Betsy Rosenblatt

edit (kinda unrelated or I hope it is unrelated): I just ran into this thread. This combined with all of the discussion I have seen over last few days, things I have heard, things I have seen while in the org (which honestly was tip of the iceberg compared to the previous two items) makes me wonder, hard about how we failed this badly and how we took this long to discuss.


autumnus: photomanip that looks like a monster with tendrils coming out of face and yellow eyes (anger)
Its been a busy week, I have 10-12 paintings that needs to be done and at least 5 books to be read, so this post was supposed to not happen. I am not comfortable making this post: I am not a good writer and I fear that I am too frustrated to be coherent. I don't write this to put out new ideas anyway. Posts linked below pretty much summarizes already what I mean to say. I am writing to support: to underline that this isn't few outsiders trying to cause wank. There more of us. There IS a problem here.

long version )



The short version (for those who don't want to go through the cut)

You should read More on the OTW 2011 Board Election by [personal profile] starlady, OTW, or, I am exhausted by
[personal profile] renay and The value of constructive negativity by [personal profile] ira_gladkova

I am frustrated with what is going on concerning tone arguments flying around, and org culture of silence in favor of the illusion of everything going fine.

I'll be voting (assuming my membership payment went through in time) for Jenny Scott-Thompson, Julia Beck, Lucy Pearson and Nikisha Sanders.
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
Hey the whole cool kids are writing about it! No, of course not why I write.

In case you somehow missed it, there is a huge discussion going on around board elections of Transformative works.  I am not going to write a lot here since most of what I want to say (and counter opinions I disagree with) have been explained by people with a lot more mastery in written text than I do.

[personal profile] troisroyaumes has the most recent link roundup that I know of

edit: a second link roundup by [personal profile] ainsley is also being actively updated.

Personal opinions below.

a) I am very glad this discussion is happening, regardless of what the outcome is, I think (hope) that the ideas and opinions brought in here will be put into use.
  a.1) I am also very glad to see a REAL election happening for a change where people can make a choice in what they want to see the org become.
  a.2) super cool that all sides of criticism and counter criticism is out there, that we are discussing this! and the whole thing has so far been very constructive.

b) Few posts I see as well as some comments that bothers me just a little bit. Choosing a board member shouldn't be based on how cool and amazing a person is. Them being chosen or not chosen doesn't change it. It is a decision on how good of a board member they will be, based on their current plans as a board member and attitudes toward the current issues. 

c) Differing opinions is not something to be scared off, nor is it a threat to efficiency. I think what many candidates define as a transparency problem in the org is a flat out communication issue the org management structure has with volunteer pool and fandom outside. We have no way to handle, and channel criticism or even opposing arguments (without actively trying to shut them down). This then affects diversity of the org (the point of diversity is not to get a stamp of approval on status quo but to actually change), and brings out things like the "server naming fail". What is the true problem here: we cannot communicate out our ideas to get feedback, or we don't really see the reason for communicating until it is too late?

d) Sustainability is not a joke. If few critical people (3-4) were out of commission at same time, right now, archive development and maintain would be severely hindered. Yes, kudos to these people, but overall this is terrible: and this is just one example on how understaffed org is in some key places. For those who argue: "people with specific skills are rare", well we have volunteers on one side who don't have enough to do and drop out because of that, and people with too much to do on other in danger of burning out. Clearly something is failing in between. I think it is time the for OTW to seriously focus on why, before it implodes.

All of this said, I know I am definitively voting for [personal profile] jennyst, [personal profile] lucyp and [personal profile] julia_beck, I have worked with all three of these people and saw them first hand make the org step (even if baby steps) forward on points c and d.  For my 4th vote I am still debating since all 3 candidates have their pluses and minuses, currently inclining toward [personal profile] sanders, due to her two recent articles on her journal. We'll see how that goes after second candidate chat and followups.




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autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
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