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Jun. 12th, 2006 02:33 pm
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
both autumnus.net and me are having an identity crisis. can we get a group discount at the nearest psycologist?
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
There are people whom I care about as friends, I realize at points they don't return it, not willingly. Some merely tolerate my presence because I am friends of friends and our roads cross daily: they don't want to be rude, so they pretend. Some do it out of pity, don't want to feel guilt of letting someone down. I realize this but I can't stop it. I still try being friends, make more effort everyday, try to be part of a life where I am not wanted. Why?

Other side of the mirror. There I people that care about me that I just can't return the favor. Some I feel are too dependent on me it scares me when it shouldn't. I know it is unfair when I am leeching on other people. Some there isn't even that. They are not even boring or bad in any way. I should be able to reciprocate sincerely the gift of friendship they give to me. Instead I try to peel them off. Why?

Even in friendships either the friend or me: someone is always the one making most of the compromises, the one valuing the reliationship more. If it does balance out, it doesn't stay that way. Why?

It is weak and nauseating. It is ungrateful and cruel. Still I do what I do. Some don't, some do... I know the right thing to do and not act on it. Why?
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (burn)
Foreboding feeling of doom.

It must be the spring or something

I don't want to study, so I don't. I have a CS304 homework due tonight midnight... wanna bet I won't finish it in time?
I haven't started yet, and neither do I want to start working on it. Way too tired.

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Last month was a weird one. I am still trying to understand what came over me even through it doesn't seem negative at all: I started by cleaning my room, then I cleaned myself and started to clean my livejournal. There is so much I don't want to see there anymore. Past is past, I feel it was time for me to forget to move on. What I used to be was holding me down. Because people appreciated that, I wanted to stay that way even through I had decided to renew myself when I came to US almost 2 years ago.

I want to say: full circle. In past few weeks I have been haunted by fears. Fears of death, fears of death of loved ones, fears of getting old finishing this life. So many fears without any reason. Reminds me of 9th grade. Reminds me last time I was trying to get myself out of the pit. So weird, like deja-vu. Why does it happen? Why now?

Darkness, fear, happiness. Will the next stage be same? Is there another darkness after it?

Spring arrived quite late but even when it was freezing the air was already different. It is something different. Like a slight smell that makes me think of warmth and sun. It is hard to explain really, through it was weird to feel it while trying to step through hills of snow on the pavements. Anyway I came back from France to find out all that snow has melted. And outside my window now I see green, even when the leaves didn't make their appearance yet.

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I am still confused about my trip to France. I was expecting familiarity: I found strangeness. It is not my place anymore: another reminder of how much I have changed without noticing it.

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Bird chirping. So beautiful, so peaceful. It sucks to be stuck here with all of this homework. I swear next semester I am talking something like 2 art classes at least. I am having a computer burnout. I still love programming I just need a break. This semester is being too much.

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autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
autumnus

January 2016

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