epiphany

Jun. 23rd, 2005 12:41 am
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
2 days to count. rejection or acceptance, I just want an answer (I prefer acceptance more) but wait is killing me. And bizarre: I hadn't realized it was mattering this much when I have jumped on the pan and filled out that application on a whim.

but again, I feel like somebody switched minds while I wasn't looking. I still cannot remember what the heck I have been thinking the first few weeks.

Diharrea, flu, lightheadedness and general weirdness... I am screwed up bad. But I think I am on my way to healing so that is a plus.

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few minutes ago I had a way overdue epiphany. it is funny how feelings can blind you to the truth to true motives, the true reasons. I finally realized that I have been running after something that didn't exist for a while there. No. I knew it, but had to be certain. Oh what I ran after, was obvious but I got blind sighted. So much physical similarity is scary through.

it probably didn't make sense. It is not meant to make sense.

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speaking of past loves. I think I am leaving him behind. Him as in a certain best friend. I feel us drifting apart. I cannot stand being around him. Oh I care about him a lot. It is just. Okay how do you ever explain this? I knew him since 10, but we change. He will be there for me and I will be there for him. At least I hope so. but... There is always that but. An old friendship much shared but at the end of the day we went on our different ways. It is just that we went on our separate ways. We think differently. And I am so tired to speak. It feels forced. It feels fake. We try to keep it same when we have both changed. It doesn't not work in a clear way, it doesn't work in a bittersweet way.

Is it enough to let it go? or should I hang on for old days sake?

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actually I have been avoiding all my friends. Seen him once, haven't seen Gizem yet. I actually feel relieved that they start summer school and won't have time. I think I have been avoiding people. And places too, won't forget the suffocation of visiting my old high school. Maybe it is myself that I avoid? The old me. Uncool unhappy. ( not that the actual one is much balanced and happy) Why am I scared, why do I run from it. Feeling alienated is one thing but running with tail tucked. I did the same thing from internet too. Past something I have to forget. Restart, be successful happy. Past... saddens me? nah, not that I know. shames me: there is nothing I don't admit I have accepted all my embarrassing moments like bad and good ones. It is just a question mark. I am so keen on erasing the past and restarting that it makes me wonder.

I think a little: maybe coming back was a mistake. Oh I needed rest, I needed my home, I love my parents and family that's true. but except a small family there is nothing left here. Last year there were friends. but this year. I am a stranger in my own country. I came here for a purpose: to breathe Istanbul (like a tourist), see my parents (family visit), work in my own country to see what it is like (work, discover different location) to rest (vacation). I don't really feel like I came to my home country. My home is there but there is nothing else. There is nothing left of my life here. I wanted to keep connections but did I really wanted to. Or did I just think I wanted to.

One country has my life, another one has my home. Neither one, as a country is my home. Where do I belong? You know I won't be able to hide behind fiction for ever.

Once I thought it was one man I needed, to feel home again. I still think that sometimes. But there is this fear in me saying I want it only because I never had it. I want something non existent. It is not the way to a realistic relationship. I tell others there is no happy ending. Because happy or sad: an ending is an ending. and life doesn't end, except when you die. Yet I hope for one, for an end.

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I don't make sense. I talk too much. and my parents think that the only thing wrong with me are the pills I was taking. (which I quit, another potential reason for the lightheaded feelings) I hope they are not in for a bad surprise. Everyone is so proud of me, they don't realize how much I have fallen in last 2 years, that I am not the girl they remember. I think my parents start to realize that, deep inside. But they are determined to say things like "indecision, ah it happens to all of us" They don't want to see I am falling apart. I start to understand they never will, until I really screw up. and for some reason that doesn't disturb me.

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oh did anything disturb me in last year?

man I think I am broken for good this time. I just don't feel.
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autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
why do I have the feeling that there is no hope of me getting accepted... like no hope at all?


maybe because the application is written in last minute and I am not even sure I got it there in time?

or is it because I got a grade C of my last proposal even when my project idea was good?

or is it just that I have THAT luck and that there is more then 70 applications to the thing I applied to and that there will be few projects accepted...

*very depressed*

at least I will be able to say I tried...

not sure if it is better or worse through

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Is it me being realistic, lacking of self confidence, simply scared of jinxing it.

or may I be simply tired...

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one thing I know, I just hope whomever read my application doesn't see this entry. It would probably work against me and I think I would be embarrassed.

So why am I writing?

When was I able to keep my mouth shut...

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autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
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