Sky is steel blue with smoky gray patches here and there. It rains and drizzles alternately, has been for all day. Earlier I was outside. It was dusk I think. There was the pond, so still, contrasting and reflecting the tormented clouds above. Trees were nearly black in semi darkness. I stood in the pathway with my black umbrella, twirling in my hand, and stared at the upward. It was one of those moments. Like I had forgot something. Something about sounds, smell of dampness and wind... I was supposed to remember something. It was just at the edge of my mind. I couldn't catch it. Past? Future? Something else? It was as if I should be knowing something, recognizing something but I could not. I thought of fantasy lands, I thought of childhood. Nothing fit. What was it? A past vision becoming real? A foreshadowing of future? I continued my way, hyper-aware of everything around me. With my umbrella in hand, I danced in steps, well few seconds. I had work to do.
It is funny how these moments creep in when I am immersed so deeply in real world; funny how real life creeps in when I try to hold to them. They are ephemeral, you have to notice quickly, live and let go. Move on. Like a dot connecting two segments. Clean simple... or not.
I was reading last message from Tarik yesterday night. I am not sure what made me read it. I have been trying to not think too deeply about that particular subject or confuse myself. It was about this thing called star child. Anyhow for some reason my slight doubts about him, thesis and generally my chaos of life, I just decided to do a tarot reading. Of course for lack of tarot cards in this place (not that I would know how to read them). I decided to use one of this websites I used to go to. I chose a random deck that I felt would be good, chose Celtic cross.
The resulting set of cards was one of the spookiest thing I ever experienced in my life. I don't trust tarot or anything supernatural much. I did the error of depending on them once and it is a recipe for disaster. They are things to be used sparingly. It is not about foreseing the future. It is about making a connection. Otherwise, cards, sticks and stones: they mean zilch.
I understand that now. I knew what every single card meant and god knows I am not stretching things because what last two cards said about the future didn't make sense logically and honestly scared me out of my wits. It certainly was not what I wanted to see, or even what I imagined I could see in my worse fears. Even for a logical person seeing a tower at ultimate outcome place is disturbing. I just knew that message was true, that I was meant to see it.
Today I am thinking. I know I need to stop double guessing myself, and burn my brain out with what other people think of me. I literally over analyze every step I take and this just cannot continue. I don't need cards to tell me that. I know it, intellectually at least. Not to mention the number of people who told me this about various subjects. At the same time, I know I am not as stable as I want to believe. I am in constant high stress, adrenalin mode since the summer. Next deadline, next challenge, one more, another more. This is the rate I usually do a finals week, then crash a month afterward. Here I am, at fifth week of it. More, if you count pre-traveling stress. I will not forget I needed to get a mild sedative because my heart was racing the day before my plane flight. If my mind doesn't fall apart, my body will. It already does actually. I have been sick for past week and I am honest enough to admit it might be sheer exhaustion. I remember one moment, being just unable to write a simple email.
I am running myself to ground but world doesn't care if I am dying, if I need to stop and wait. I need to write my proposal, email people, do my homework, be the extracurricular goddess. Hell even be at a concert and show at exact same time apparently because no one can change a damn date. World goes diagonal sometimes, but I just ignore it until it straightens again and somehow, everyone deals with it just fine.
It wears on me through. All the resistance inside, challenge outside... I am stretched too tight. Smallest touch feels like a blow. A constructive criticism of what I could do better (which I appreciate), a smallest memory of a silent disagreement with a professor, a french vanilla smoothy missing its banana brings me close to tears. I remember sobbing while IMing a classmate about how my thesis doesn't get approved. Not fast enough, not good enough, not trustworthy enough. Nothing is enough or so it seems. My mind turns ugly. Insecurities resurface. I lash out or overdo the niceties to prevent myself from accidentally doing so. Yesterday I wrote a 2 page long email to a professor to ask a simple recommendation.
It just seems to be all coming crashing together last 3 months. Thesis, grad school, current professors, former professors, old friends, new friends, Adam, Tarik, GLOW, my grandmother's illness, trouble of my country, old fears of disappointing, new fears of my fears of disappointing.
And me, who desperately wants to hide under the bed and sleep for a century or have someone to tell me everything is going to be alright. I used to talk about everything to my parents and that would help. I don't do it anymore. Not their business, not my business. I cannot lean on my friends when I am busy encouraging them to lean on myself. Besides people don't like someone leaning on them. Only so much until friends get bored. Professors? Never in life. How would I ever show someone who will ultimately judge what I am any weakness if I can help it.
I try to hold on to strength and dignity. For everyone else does, for the other option is to be that shrill ugly little girl that everyone laughs at. I don't want to go back. Ever again. So I thicken the walls, and lash out, stay aloof. I lose my synchronization with the life around me. I can't help it for I am too busy patching leaks.