autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
There are people whom I care about as friends, I realize at points they don't return it, not willingly. Some merely tolerate my presence because I am friends of friends and our roads cross daily: they don't want to be rude, so they pretend. Some do it out of pity, don't want to feel guilt of letting someone down. I realize this but I can't stop it. I still try being friends, make more effort everyday, try to be part of a life where I am not wanted. Why?

Other side of the mirror. There I people that care about me that I just can't return the favor. Some I feel are too dependent on me it scares me when it shouldn't. I know it is unfair when I am leeching on other people. Some there isn't even that. They are not even boring or bad in any way. I should be able to reciprocate sincerely the gift of friendship they give to me. Instead I try to peel them off. Why?

Even in friendships either the friend or me: someone is always the one making most of the compromises, the one valuing the reliationship more. If it does balance out, it doesn't stay that way. Why?

It is weak and nauseating. It is ungrateful and cruel. Still I do what I do. Some don't, some do... I know the right thing to do and not act on it. Why?
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
Goodbyes...

ohh no no! not to this journal.

it is just to...

I have been talking with my mum about Tarik. I cannot believe we were the only one pretending to be friends (and believing it) when all families everywhere were waiting for an engagement. For crying out loud.

Even my parents... sort of guessed something was going on.

Was something going on?

I still don't know. I think we were more then friends, but not enough to go to something. But whatever is there is gone, it was bound to be gone when I decided to shift 180* on earth and start from a blank sheet. and we have been mourning it for past 2 years. Would it turn out to be something? Maybe, maybe not... partially because our darn blindness, partially because just maybe it wasn't meant to be. but mostly, you know what? friends and families. I do not talk about my parents. but everyone else pushed us on each other so much that things became a gum chewed too long: tasteless and sticky.

I think it is the main reason of screwing of whatever plain friendship we had. Or maybe, it never was friendship. whatever

It is over. There is nothing left between me and him. Oh there always will be trust. We will be there for each other in time of need but except that. it is over for me. He seems to be trying to get something, while trying to step away from it. He gets girlfriends, none works, and at the end of semester, during summer when I come back, he is single. I have been trying to run away too, trying to find new boyfriends, which didn't happen. The difference is, I know it is over. It never was to start with in my mind. I finally realized that whatever chemistry that was building is gone too. For him one of them is gone, other stays only if I knew which. When I saw him he was trying again. but he dissapeared and never asked to meet again either. Maybe he felt my reluctance maybe he realized it too. (if he did good for his sake)

the point is with Tarik, no more "sorta in love but not quite" what others called SOOOO romantic. (romantic my ass, a true confusion mostly) no more friendship.

at least not in the way we defined it. It might be a casual friendship. but no best friend, no talk for hours, no endless hugs, and date-like meetings to spend 8 hours over drinks just enjoying each other.

Last year I wasn't sure, I felt I was missing it, missing the comfort. You see that was the problem. at some moment only the habit remained. Fear from change. That was when I started to feel suffocated, it was when the awkwardness had started. but now my heart is clear, finally a year later. and I finally feel a sort of peace. I might be lonely, but at least I know what I miss so deeply. It is not that I never lived a relationship. Not kissing, not having sex doesn't mean a thing. It was there, it was way too serious for our ages, it was beautiful while it lasted, always way to complicated to understand. and now it is over. I was over for at least a year. It is time to let go and to name what I have been missing: so that I can mourn, so that I can move on.

Here... it is said...

epiphany

Jun. 23rd, 2005 12:41 am
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
2 days to count. rejection or acceptance, I just want an answer (I prefer acceptance more) but wait is killing me. And bizarre: I hadn't realized it was mattering this much when I have jumped on the pan and filled out that application on a whim.

but again, I feel like somebody switched minds while I wasn't looking. I still cannot remember what the heck I have been thinking the first few weeks.

Diharrea, flu, lightheadedness and general weirdness... I am screwed up bad. But I think I am on my way to healing so that is a plus.

------------------

few minutes ago I had a way overdue epiphany. it is funny how feelings can blind you to the truth to true motives, the true reasons. I finally realized that I have been running after something that didn't exist for a while there. No. I knew it, but had to be certain. Oh what I ran after, was obvious but I got blind sighted. So much physical similarity is scary through.

it probably didn't make sense. It is not meant to make sense.

----------------

speaking of past loves. I think I am leaving him behind. Him as in a certain best friend. I feel us drifting apart. I cannot stand being around him. Oh I care about him a lot. It is just. Okay how do you ever explain this? I knew him since 10, but we change. He will be there for me and I will be there for him. At least I hope so. but... There is always that but. An old friendship much shared but at the end of the day we went on our different ways. It is just that we went on our separate ways. We think differently. And I am so tired to speak. It feels forced. It feels fake. We try to keep it same when we have both changed. It doesn't not work in a clear way, it doesn't work in a bittersweet way.

Is it enough to let it go? or should I hang on for old days sake?

---------

actually I have been avoiding all my friends. Seen him once, haven't seen Gizem yet. I actually feel relieved that they start summer school and won't have time. I think I have been avoiding people. And places too, won't forget the suffocation of visiting my old high school. Maybe it is myself that I avoid? The old me. Uncool unhappy. ( not that the actual one is much balanced and happy) Why am I scared, why do I run from it. Feeling alienated is one thing but running with tail tucked. I did the same thing from internet too. Past something I have to forget. Restart, be successful happy. Past... saddens me? nah, not that I know. shames me: there is nothing I don't admit I have accepted all my embarrassing moments like bad and good ones. It is just a question mark. I am so keen on erasing the past and restarting that it makes me wonder.

I think a little: maybe coming back was a mistake. Oh I needed rest, I needed my home, I love my parents and family that's true. but except a small family there is nothing left here. Last year there were friends. but this year. I am a stranger in my own country. I came here for a purpose: to breathe Istanbul (like a tourist), see my parents (family visit), work in my own country to see what it is like (work, discover different location) to rest (vacation). I don't really feel like I came to my home country. My home is there but there is nothing else. There is nothing left of my life here. I wanted to keep connections but did I really wanted to. Or did I just think I wanted to.

One country has my life, another one has my home. Neither one, as a country is my home. Where do I belong? You know I won't be able to hide behind fiction for ever.

Once I thought it was one man I needed, to feel home again. I still think that sometimes. But there is this fear in me saying I want it only because I never had it. I want something non existent. It is not the way to a realistic relationship. I tell others there is no happy ending. Because happy or sad: an ending is an ending. and life doesn't end, except when you die. Yet I hope for one, for an end.

---------------------

I don't make sense. I talk too much. and my parents think that the only thing wrong with me are the pills I was taking. (which I quit, another potential reason for the lightheaded feelings) I hope they are not in for a bad surprise. Everyone is so proud of me, they don't realize how much I have fallen in last 2 years, that I am not the girl they remember. I think my parents start to realize that, deep inside. But they are determined to say things like "indecision, ah it happens to all of us" They don't want to see I am falling apart. I start to understand they never will, until I really screw up. and for some reason that doesn't disturb me.

--------------------


oh did anything disturb me in last year?

man I think I am broken for good this time. I just don't feel.
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autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
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