autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)

It was a quiet passage, this switch from 2006 to 2007. It still does not feel real. It is like I am still there in the past. However, I think it is normal. I still feel I am hiding a little. Looking at the world through a tiny crack. I am not sure where to start. So much left to do. I have made some new years resolutions. I already changed my mind about some some came after the actual screaming.

My aim for this year is to be stronger. The more I look into myself, the more I wonder where that independent creative girl went to. This is what Wellesley did to me. I keep looking back and asking for assurance. I am scared of doing less then perfect work, of not fitting into the perfect box. This did not use to be the case. I wasn't this person that got stuck in few inspirations. Except I don't know how to do it. I don't remember how to be free, reckless and passionate. Yet I need to start somewhere. It feels like I am blankly looking for answers even for this. What happened to the ultimate problem solver? Too intimidated by her own inaction I guess. What do need to happen? Another earthquake? I feel old dammit. How can I remember how to be strong alone? How can I get my clarity back? Questions, so many questions? Now if only I could answer.I think it is my wish. On previous years I found that asking the question putting things into place somehow set things into motion.

Second aim is emotional. Reading through my journals was a revelation. It is like somewhere in february is when the real me shut off. Few very far in between honest entries I found were tagged as private, not just friends only. When did my journal became a report of academic junk? It feels like I lost my heart, that I lost my voice. I became this robot. Yet I know I cried a lot last year. I wrote it off as stress. I seemed all so strong all the way as my life fell apart. Worst of it all, I was in denial about what I felt. I tried hard to calculate what to feel, what to think. No more of this. I need to get my honesty back. Maybe I should try writing everyday? That would help? Or maybe I should start writing a paper journal for a while. That measure usually helps getting my voice back.

I will start with honesty right away.

I just caught myself about to write "I want to remember how to be happy be passionate". It is not true however. I want to want to remember, through what I want is getting into grad school. This scares me. It seems such a concrete thing. Also I am very much scared it will not happen because I want it. When you want something this much it does not happen. This was my experience, so I do not want to think about it. I pretend that I do not think about it. I write as if I do not think about it, but I do. All of my waking hours are spent thinking about it. What is wrong with wanting to go to graduate school? I feel I am not worth it, it doesn't make sense but I do feel this way. Also, I feel that the method is becoming the aim. I forget all peripheral meaning around things. I am so determined to prove and explain why I want to go to graduate school that it sounds fake. I repeated my arguments so many times that I do not even know if they are real anymore. I cannot remember what I liked. It is like this bleak world in here. I cannot edit myself. I need to stop doing so because at this point I am so far off the place I am meant to be that I do not even know who I am. It is scary, it is frustrating. I need to remember who I am, and why I am going somewhere before I get lost under this americanized career ideals pile.

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autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
autumnus

January 2016

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