autumnus: A woman looking down hands in pockets of the pants, a bit lost.  (mentalist)
One of my goals set for my 30th birthday was to start blogging again.

I used to blog regularly. Almost every day when I was younger, a couple of times each month to each week depending on schedule during college. What happened is that sometime in 2007 my mind decided it was too scary to be exposed in this political climate so I shut down, gradually.

and I became invisible. I did! With very few exceptions I stopped writing in public, I stopped having my pictures taken. My social media presences are ghosts, divided and subdivided into sections.

One thing I learned over last couple of years through, is that, you cannot stay safe through silence. You don't have to be inflammatory and put a target on yourself. (although ironically the few times I chose to become visible, I do gravitate toward politics and hot topics). It is about being out there, just being who you are,  saying "I am here, I exist". Even that - as it turns out- has power.

It... just... is... hard.

I try to remember why I loved being present, sharing my whole life, my thoughts and feelings with the world. It is supposed to be normal to like to talk about oneself, it is why we love social media so much. Instead, now I find it hard to break the silence, to become visible again.

Invisibility is easy once you get into the habit. However, it also is a cocoon, constricting as much as it is safe. It is also too easy to go from not speaking to not thinking, to not acting.

... and a slippery slope from there.


Addendum: 
It is not an autumnus entry without an edit. :) I forgot to add the point of this post. Sometimes friends (and strangers) can help, when a task is difficult. In this case you can help me. Ask me questions, suggest me topics. You can do it here as a comment or as a pm, or email. First 10 queries (if I get any at all), I will write about/answer to in public within next month.
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autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
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