autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
strange dreams of friends far away having dinner parties and college professors giving homeworks that consist of watching certain TV programs. I hopelessly try to understand what my mind is trying to tell me. At least with that nightmare where I was in the airport, 2 hours left to the flight, having just realized I didn't have my passport or ticket with me, I knew where it came from.

In either case a count down both to the end of my 21th circling around the sun and to a trip across ocean with the new security insaneness. Guess which one is worrying me more. I bought myself a new suitcase. It should take the edge off. For having to sit on a suitcase to close it is never a good sign. Not my fault, I one of my pieces was slightly larger then a carry-on. Hence the sitting...

I'll be 22 years old. Sounds so big. Like an adult. Not like a barely new adult, but like someone who should be advancing already in life, settling down and all that. I don't feel like it. I feel like I am just starting. (well I am: to grad school if I am lucky, to work if not). I can't imagine myself marrying for example. Engaging maybe (Not that I have a boyfriend but as a concept). Kids? No way... Yet around me I see people younger then me, marry, start to work full time, have kids. They already stop exploring, they already start thinking that they've had excitement of their lives. They want some consistency. I cannot even imagine it. I've just started having the fun both in personal life and academically. I still have a lot to try before saying my years of youth is over.

I think it might be that this won't change. Not the family and marrying part, that will change, and is already veeery slowly changing, but the fact that I don't want to settle down into a routine where next 40 years will be spend. I feel young and maybe, just maybe it is not that bad of a thing that I won't feel my whole life is over when I am 30. Life at academia is often like this. Staying young, learning new things. It takes a lot of work, you cannot go cozy. You need to write more, research more, find new things. Some people hate it. Some people love it. Me goes to the second category.

Also I am surprised to realize people don't just stop growing at a certain age and stay there for the rest of their lives. I always thought my parents or their friends etc was same. World seems to stay still around you when you are a kid. (maybe because a kid grows faster compared to the change around her) Then eventually you see people come and go. A new cousin, a grandfather dies. You realize things change but still you don't get the subtle evolution. The more I get older the more I realize adults are just you know people like me. You don't come to this plateau where you say: okay I've finished education, I became what I am. Only minor changes from now on. Or for example you don't just quit the whole life and start living for your kids or for work. Adults still have their passions, interests hobbies.

Maybe part of the issue is what I saw in Turkey as a kid. This culture of "everything ends the moment you start working" mentality. That people are empty working shells. It kills the persons inside puts people in the wait sort of. I just hope that the course I am choosing will be less monotone.

Okay, I went off the track again. I know I did this annual monologue a little ahead of schedule this year but since I'll be busy packing on the day, I hope you all will understand ;P

Whatever off we go. *click*


autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)

January 2016

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