autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
There are people whom I care about as friends, I realize at points they don't return it, not willingly. Some merely tolerate my presence because I am friends of friends and our roads cross daily: they don't want to be rude, so they pretend. Some do it out of pity, don't want to feel guilt of letting someone down. I realize this but I can't stop it. I still try being friends, make more effort everyday, try to be part of a life where I am not wanted. Why?

Other side of the mirror. There I people that care about me that I just can't return the favor. Some I feel are too dependent on me it scares me when it shouldn't. I know it is unfair when I am leeching on other people. Some there isn't even that. They are not even boring or bad in any way. I should be able to reciprocate sincerely the gift of friendship they give to me. Instead I try to peel them off. Why?

Even in friendships either the friend or me: someone is always the one making most of the compromises, the one valuing the reliationship more. If it does balance out, it doesn't stay that way. Why?

It is weak and nauseating. It is ungrateful and cruel. Still I do what I do. Some don't, some do... I know the right thing to do and not act on it. Why?
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)

ohh no no! not to this journal.

it is just to...

I have been talking with my mum about Tarik. I cannot believe we were the only one pretending to be friends (and believing it) when all families everywhere were waiting for an engagement. For crying out loud.

Even my parents... sort of guessed something was going on.

Was something going on?

I still don't know. I think we were more then friends, but not enough to go to something. But whatever is there is gone, it was bound to be gone when I decided to shift 180* on earth and start from a blank sheet. and we have been mourning it for past 2 years. Would it turn out to be something? Maybe, maybe not... partially because our darn blindness, partially because just maybe it wasn't meant to be. but mostly, you know what? friends and families. I do not talk about my parents. but everyone else pushed us on each other so much that things became a gum chewed too long: tasteless and sticky.

I think it is the main reason of screwing of whatever plain friendship we had. Or maybe, it never was friendship. whatever

It is over. There is nothing left between me and him. Oh there always will be trust. We will be there for each other in time of need but except that. it is over for me. He seems to be trying to get something, while trying to step away from it. He gets girlfriends, none works, and at the end of semester, during summer when I come back, he is single. I have been trying to run away too, trying to find new boyfriends, which didn't happen. The difference is, I know it is over. It never was to start with in my mind. I finally realized that whatever chemistry that was building is gone too. For him one of them is gone, other stays only if I knew which. When I saw him he was trying again. but he dissapeared and never asked to meet again either. Maybe he felt my reluctance maybe he realized it too. (if he did good for his sake)

the point is with Tarik, no more "sorta in love but not quite" what others called SOOOO romantic. (romantic my ass, a true confusion mostly) no more friendship.

at least not in the way we defined it. It might be a casual friendship. but no best friend, no talk for hours, no endless hugs, and date-like meetings to spend 8 hours over drinks just enjoying each other.

Last year I wasn't sure, I felt I was missing it, missing the comfort. You see that was the problem. at some moment only the habit remained. Fear from change. That was when I started to feel suffocated, it was when the awkwardness had started. but now my heart is clear, finally a year later. and I finally feel a sort of peace. I might be lonely, but at least I know what I miss so deeply. It is not that I never lived a relationship. Not kissing, not having sex doesn't mean a thing. It was there, it was way too serious for our ages, it was beautiful while it lasted, always way to complicated to understand. and now it is over. I was over for at least a year. It is time to let go and to name what I have been missing: so that I can mourn, so that I can move on.

Here... it is said...


autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)

January 2016

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