Jul. 2nd, 2007 06:11 pm
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Anita Blake)
Quiet... sleep... silence -mental one, the other one is pretty imposible in a city such as Istanbul.

self facing honesty full of angst )

Cards say I am not out of woods yet. (yes, I caved in and looked a couple of times) At least they stopped showing Death, like they did twice this year. And the outcomes once in a while shows a card that aren't reversed. I still don't know what death was standing for. I know one of them was for family. I am starting to suspect that the unsuspected kickin-n-screamin change happened at one place I really didn't expect. I changed, from inside. Now I am left yet again with putting the pieces together.
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
I do not think I ever hit such a deep end of pit. Not depression or anxiety wise but as in emotions and self deprecation. I sit down here in my misery, instead of doing real work which by the way I really should.

On one hand I know I take things too personally. 11 people applied for the fellowship, 1 or 2 people got it. I even didn't made to the top 7 or something that was interviewed. This is a contest among bestest of bests. I shouldn't feel bad about it. Sometimes we all lose. Yet I can't feel it. It feels like a blow, another confirmation that I deserve nothing. It is just, I feels like all I have been doing for last year was losing. Doors shut, more doors shut. My GPA could have hit the roof last semester but you know what it doesn't change things. It doesn't change the fact that I landed at the bottom of a deep pit on sophomore year. 6 months of slippery slope, since then I try to prove myself it is going to be like before. Easy. Or was everything this easy? Maybe they just were for the first half of my first year in college. Now I just feel more tired. Challenges are not fun when you keep failing them.

I think I am just scared. This thesis means to me, going to school means to me. Yet, what is it that I do wrong? Why can't I explain myself? Why simplest things becomes matters of life or death? I am officially worse writer than 2/3rd of the population who applies to grad school. A grad student who can't write. A researcher who agonizes more over explaining then doing her research. How can I make people understand when I am totally incapable of explaining? I am thinking, it used to be easier. I used to be able to explain things. I remember writing B range or even A range papers. I remember writing stories, journals and now?...

Maybe it isn't just writing either. Today a fellow classmate said to me. Go to the media lab and talk to them if they don't answer your emails. I was appalled by the idea. How can I dare to go there without an appointment to disturb someone's time. Wouldn't that be inappropriate? Her answer was "what is there to lose?". It struck a chord in me. My first thought was toomany things to lose. Reputation. Respect. Then I remembered the times I would have said the exact same thing. "What is there to lose". I used to say that, in high school. Before I had been fitted into my own box of Wellesley geek squad with her grandiose opinion of herself. There was a time I could go directly, to a professor and scold them that they were doing the wrong thing. When I say scold I mean literally. With one exception all of my high school teachers would listen. There was a time when I didn't try to conform. Then now I just thought. That was when I could write. I feel like I am caught in a web of over thinking. I ask everyone's advice. I try to please so many people that I start ignoring my health not even doing stuff but worrying over stuff. I am a true fan girl. I worship my professors. Not as in, obsessing way but academically. I used to be strong. I used to be myself.

I want that back.


autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)

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