autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)

It was a quiet passage, this switch from 2006 to 2007. It still does not feel real. It is like I am still there in the past. However, I think it is normal. I still feel I am hiding a little. Looking at the world through a tiny crack. I am not sure where to start. So much left to do. I have made some new years resolutions. I already changed my mind about some some came after the actual screaming.

My aim for this year is to be stronger. The more I look into myself, the more I wonder where that independent creative girl went to. This is what Wellesley did to me. I keep looking back and asking for assurance. I am scared of doing less then perfect work, of not fitting into the perfect box. This did not use to be the case. I wasn't this person that got stuck in few inspirations. Except I don't know how to do it. I don't remember how to be free, reckless and passionate. Yet I need to start somewhere. It feels like I am blankly looking for answers even for this. What happened to the ultimate problem solver? Too intimidated by her own inaction I guess. What do need to happen? Another earthquake? I feel old dammit. How can I remember how to be strong alone? How can I get my clarity back? Questions, so many questions? Now if only I could answer.I think it is my wish. On previous years I found that asking the question putting things into place somehow set things into motion.

Second aim is emotional. Reading through my journals was a revelation. It is like somewhere in february is when the real me shut off. Few very far in between honest entries I found were tagged as private, not just friends only. When did my journal became a report of academic junk? It feels like I lost my heart, that I lost my voice. I became this robot. Yet I know I cried a lot last year. I wrote it off as stress. I seemed all so strong all the way as my life fell apart. Worst of it all, I was in denial about what I felt. I tried hard to calculate what to feel, what to think. No more of this. I need to get my honesty back. Maybe I should try writing everyday? That would help? Or maybe I should start writing a paper journal for a while. That measure usually helps getting my voice back.

I will start with honesty right away.

I just caught myself about to write "I want to remember how to be happy be passionate". It is not true however. I want to want to remember, through what I want is getting into grad school. This scares me. It seems such a concrete thing. Also I am very much scared it will not happen because I want it. When you want something this much it does not happen. This was my experience, so I do not want to think about it. I pretend that I do not think about it. I write as if I do not think about it, but I do. All of my waking hours are spent thinking about it. What is wrong with wanting to go to graduate school? I feel I am not worth it, it doesn't make sense but I do feel this way. Also, I feel that the method is becoming the aim. I forget all peripheral meaning around things. I am so determined to prove and explain why I want to go to graduate school that it sounds fake. I repeated my arguments so many times that I do not even know if they are real anymore. I cannot remember what I liked. It is like this bleak world in here. I cannot edit myself. I need to stop doing so because at this point I am so far off the place I am meant to be that I do not even know who I am. It is scary, it is frustrating. I need to remember who I am, and why I am going somewhere before I get lost under this americanized career ideals pile.

Back.

Aug. 14th, 2006 12:52 am
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
I am back from a restful holiday. Funny enough I don't have a single picture of the beach where I swam. Blame the Canoes. Couldn't dare to let my camera get wet.


Trees pretty trees and the stream. I canoed through this thing into the small bay every day to get to the beach. Beautiful sight.

+5 )

Overall Club Amazon was relaxing. Quiet enough and fun. There are more pictures but this is all I could work on. I've crashed to the bed the day after arriving yesterday.
autumnus: sepia self portrait with old movie animation effect (old)
I am back, more or less intact. I don't suffer of sitting on my butt anymore, which is an improvement compared to the day before.
How I managed to burn my butt in sun? Even my skin is not resistant to noon sun at south Turkey with only 6 factor sun cream (or whatever you call it) applied once a day. Okay it was foolish. More foolish was to get burned on front side of my body (all the way from face, to chest, to legs and arms, etc) and to decide to burn the back half (back of legs, back of arms and back) to at least look equally burned on either sides. I managed to get the backside of my kneecaps burnt. (nothing watery balloony just lobster redness all around) I have my moments of sun stupidity oh well...

I have photos taken not much 30-40 maybe. I want to post them but... either they are crappy, ordinary flower shots, portraits which I cannot post or... well maybe there is one or two that will work we'll see.

On the way back I was thinking... Yellow. I probably wrote this somewhere before but in Turkey yellow is a color of sadness. I don't think through I had understood exactly why then. True, crops are harvested and fields dry up, turning yellow in heat. But summer is much isolated then that. I realized. Dry rivers, whole water bodies vanish for those few months, leaving behind nothing but rocks and occasionally some salt. When you look at it on the way, there is no one in sight and it seems like a remains of something long gone. The image becomes more striking when you consider that, even the people who live at sea shore didn't care about that. Turkish villages have nothing to do with fishing, with sea. Only now, that tourism has became a source of money that the villager descended at sea. If you look at it, hotels are at shore, villages at top of a nearby hill. So farming is main work, and unless you work a green house, summer is blank after harvest. I am not sure why it bugs me so much but it is something that keeps coming back at me, especially during each holiday trip. Maybe it is just that image is too striking.

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autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
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