autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
I think it is funny that the previous post that is a lot more mundane, and positive (in Eylul style) was access list only, while this one which is a lot more secret in some ways is out there for the world to see.

Despite my apparent calm and confidence, I am still connecting to the world with a very fine filament of sanity. Each word of confidence of "oh I am going to do this" is echoed inside with doubts of "I don't know if I can pull this". I am taking a risk first time in two years to have faith in myself and to push myself forward. I am committing energy and motivation to work. It sounds boring and ordinary but it is not. I have been pretty good so far not to make a deal out of it. I make choices and I live with it but it is kind of an intimidating leap of how far I came how quickly, and how far I still need to go.

It is hard, this switch. It is hard to explain to people why I don't remember talking to them two weeks ago, that my brain shifts phases in a way that I do not quite remember weekends during weekdays or weekdays during weekends. I live fully then I forget. This is why I think is important for me to go back to journaling, to think to evaluate the day, rather than "I did this and this". It takes effort through. I will try to do so, because I think it is important.

One of the things that I am still trying to learn is not to feel guilty. For example, I am not done with the work I expected to finish. However I spent at least 10 hours on one class project, and another 10 on the research. Graduate school expectation is that you spend 40, but I don't feel guilty. Is this okay? I keep feeling like I should feel guilty and remorseful and beat myself up for not doing a herculean amount of work, except I also think that makes more damage than good. Yet, I am scared: what if I am not beating myself up enough, what if I should feel guilty. It doesn't make sense... How do I decide I did good enough once I accept that I cannot do things perfectly?

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autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
autumnus

January 2016

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