Jan. 9th, 2007 05:24 pm
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
I passed all 4 of my classes, and with good grades where applicable. Does not matter I have a TBG thesis or that my fourth class is a credit-non. Now, where is that bottle of wine? ;)

Okay this should make a good incentive for me to do some serious work on that thesis now. :)
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
I do not think I ever hit such a deep end of pit. Not depression or anxiety wise but as in emotions and self deprecation. I sit down here in my misery, instead of doing real work which by the way I really should.

On one hand I know I take things too personally. 11 people applied for the fellowship, 1 or 2 people got it. I even didn't made to the top 7 or something that was interviewed. This is a contest among bestest of bests. I shouldn't feel bad about it. Sometimes we all lose. Yet I can't feel it. It feels like a blow, another confirmation that I deserve nothing. It is just, I feels like all I have been doing for last year was losing. Doors shut, more doors shut. My GPA could have hit the roof last semester but you know what it doesn't change things. It doesn't change the fact that I landed at the bottom of a deep pit on sophomore year. 6 months of slippery slope, since then I try to prove myself it is going to be like before. Easy. Or was everything this easy? Maybe they just were for the first half of my first year in college. Now I just feel more tired. Challenges are not fun when you keep failing them.

I think I am just scared. This thesis means to me, going to school means to me. Yet, what is it that I do wrong? Why can't I explain myself? Why simplest things becomes matters of life or death? I am officially worse writer than 2/3rd of the population who applies to grad school. A grad student who can't write. A researcher who agonizes more over explaining then doing her research. How can I make people understand when I am totally incapable of explaining? I am thinking, it used to be easier. I used to be able to explain things. I remember writing B range or even A range papers. I remember writing stories, journals and now?...

Maybe it isn't just writing either. Today a fellow classmate said to me. Go to the media lab and talk to them if they don't answer your emails. I was appalled by the idea. How can I dare to go there without an appointment to disturb someone's time. Wouldn't that be inappropriate? Her answer was "what is there to lose?". It struck a chord in me. My first thought was toomany things to lose. Reputation. Respect. Then I remembered the times I would have said the exact same thing. "What is there to lose". I used to say that, in high school. Before I had been fitted into my own box of Wellesley geek squad with her grandiose opinion of herself. There was a time I could go directly, to a professor and scold them that they were doing the wrong thing. When I say scold I mean literally. With one exception all of my high school teachers would listen. There was a time when I didn't try to conform. Then now I just thought. That was when I could write. I feel like I am caught in a web of over thinking. I ask everyone's advice. I try to please so many people that I start ignoring my health not even doing stuff but worrying over stuff. I am a true fan girl. I worship my professors. Not as in, obsessing way but academically. I used to be strong. I used to be myself.

I want that back.


Oct. 11th, 2006 07:36 pm
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
All social science classes should have an option between writing a paper and taking an exam. Even better would be to outlaw all papers assignments worldwide.

As an immediate measure, it should be forbidden to require a paper longer then two pages.

Thank you

*panicking over a six page paper due tomorrow morning*


Oct. 3rd, 2006 05:43 pm
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
I change my previous statement,that I am going to get an heart attack or an ulcer.

We all will, because of this thesis thing.

I feel bad when I see my so calm friends suddenly freaking out. At least phases are not same, so we keep taking turns calming each other....


Oct. 1st, 2006 11:53 pm
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
Sky is steel blue with smoky gray patches here and there. It rains and drizzles alternately, has been for all day. Earlier I was outside. It was dusk I think. There was the pond, so still, contrasting and reflecting the tormented clouds above. Trees were nearly black in semi darkness. I stood in the pathway with my black umbrella, twirling in my hand, and stared at the upward. It was one of those moments. Like I had forgot something. Something about sounds, smell of dampness and wind... I was supposed to remember something. It was just at the edge of my mind. I couldn't catch it. Past? Future? Something else? It was as if I should be knowing something, recognizing something but I could not. I thought of fantasy lands, I thought of childhood. Nothing fit. What was it? A past vision becoming real? A foreshadowing of future? I continued my way, hyper-aware of everything around me. With my umbrella in hand, I danced in steps, well few seconds. I had work to do.

It is funny how these moments creep in when I am immersed so deeply in real world; funny how real life creeps in when I try to hold to them. They are ephemeral, you have to notice quickly, live and let go. Move on. Like a dot connecting two segments. Clean simple... or not.

I was reading last message from Tarik yesterday night. I am not sure what made me read it. I have been trying to not think too deeply about that particular subject or confuse myself. It was about this thing called star child. Anyhow for some reason my slight doubts about him, thesis and generally my chaos of life, I just decided to do a tarot reading. Of course for lack of tarot cards in this place (not that I would know how to read them). I decided to use one of this websites I used to go to. I chose a random deck that I felt would be good, chose Celtic cross.

The resulting set of cards was one of the spookiest thing I ever experienced in my life. I don't trust tarot or anything supernatural much. I did the error of depending on them once and it is a recipe for disaster. They are things to be used sparingly. It is not about foreseing the future. It is about making a connection. Otherwise, cards, sticks and stones: they mean zilch.

I understand that now. I knew what every single card meant and god knows I am not stretching things because what last two cards said about the future didn't make sense logically and honestly scared me out of my wits. It certainly was not what I wanted to see, or even what I imagined I could see in my worse fears. Even for a logical person seeing a tower at ultimate outcome place is disturbing. I just knew that message was true, that I was meant to see it.

Today I am thinking. I know I need to stop double guessing myself, and burn my brain out with what other people think of me. I literally over analyze every step I take and this just cannot continue. I don't need cards to tell me that. I know it, intellectually at least. Not to mention the number of people who told me this about various subjects. At the same time, I know I am not as stable as I want to believe. I am in constant high stress, adrenalin mode since the summer. Next deadline, next challenge, one more, another more. This is the rate I usually do a finals week, then crash a month afterward. Here I am, at fifth week of it. More, if you count pre-traveling stress. I will not forget I needed to get a mild sedative because my heart was racing the day before my plane flight. If my mind doesn't fall apart, my body will. It already does actually. I have been sick for past week and I am honest enough to admit it might be sheer exhaustion. I remember one moment, being just unable to write a simple email.

I am running myself to ground but world doesn't care if I am dying, if I need to stop and wait. I need to write my proposal, email people, do my homework, be the extracurricular goddess. Hell even be at a concert and show at exact same time apparently because no one can change a damn date. World goes diagonal sometimes, but I just ignore it until it straightens again and somehow, everyone deals with it just fine.

It wears on me through. All the resistance inside, challenge outside... I am stretched too tight. Smallest touch feels like a blow. A constructive criticism of what I could do better (which I appreciate), a smallest memory of a silent disagreement with a professor, a french vanilla smoothy missing its banana brings me close to tears. I remember sobbing while IMing a classmate about how my thesis doesn't get approved. Not fast enough, not good enough, not trustworthy enough. Nothing is enough or so it seems. My mind turns ugly. Insecurities resurface. I lash out or overdo the niceties to prevent myself from accidentally doing so. Yesterday I wrote a 2 page long email to a professor to ask a simple recommendation.

It just seems to be all coming crashing together last 3 months. Thesis, grad school, current professors, former professors, old friends, new friends, Adam, Tarik, GLOW, my grandmother's illness, trouble of my country, old fears of disappointing, new fears of my fears of disappointing.

And me, who desperately wants to hide under the bed and sleep for a century or have someone to tell me everything is going to be alright. I used to talk about everything to my parents and that would help. I don't do it anymore. Not their business, not my business. I cannot lean on my friends when I am busy encouraging them to lean on myself. Besides people don't like someone leaning on them. Only so much until friends get bored. Professors? Never in life. How would I ever show someone who will ultimately judge what I am any weakness if I can help it.

I try to hold on to strength and dignity. For everyone else does, for the other option is to be that shrill ugly little girl that everyone laughs at. I don't want to go back. Ever again. So I thicken the walls, and lash out, stay aloof. I lose my synchronization with the life around me. I can't help it for I am too busy patching leaks.
autumnus: sepia self portrait with old movie animation effect (old)
That sort of covers it.
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
Man what a night!
pack pack throw pack throw away pack...
I think it is safe to say I am cured for good from my compulsive buying behavior.. having to throw so many thing because they didn't fit, It was painful... I am returning with more stuff then I came when I first came here + 4 storage labels probably used more generously then intended...

Good god good god good god...

and I am sleepy

and the weather is freezing (7*C end of may? what the f*?!)
next time I write I will be 7 timezones away.

*disconnects the computer*


May. 12th, 2005 09:48 am
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)

I annoyed the hell outta [livejournal.com profile] travelbeck. I tend to do that to my friends... once in a while... oh well, she will have a summer to forget how annoying I am *wink*

on other news I have a presentation for my project tomorrow AND juries... I couldn't be more out of it. It doesn't register that it is tomorrow. as in 24 hours away...

but for my defense the weather is SO good!

*goes back to sleep*
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
I am kind of pissed about my school administration right now.

or can I say very pissed.

Noticing someone is risking to commit suicide and take necessary steps are good: but kicking her out of school IS NOT one of the steps. Stupid administration who fails to see it is not the better thing

-for the person: because you leave her disconnected and at least temporarily aimless, which is very bad
-for other students with mental health problems: you talk about problem of taboo, how do you expect people to come out and speak when they are scared they will get kicked out (yeah medical leave for an indefinite time, whatever) because of what they reveal
-for potential students: administration does this policy to make sure our applications doesn't decrease. I think if I knew what was happening I would think twice while wouldn't really care that there has been a suicide or two.


on an another note. I wonder why my art seems to appeal to satanists, and goths and generally dark people. There is people with much darker art then mine who gets more mainstream attention.

I definitely don't mind. I kind of like it even.


I am still trying to learn to write for myself and not for others. This has been the change I had been trying to implement on this journal. but it is so hard. I automatically find myself defending my views and try to soften them often. Or give explanation to people who doesn't maybe know about the circumstances. or sometimes I start writing stuff to let someone know of something before realizing this place is now supposed to be my private space. Read only by people who has been caring to read if they wish to read still.

and here I am going to explanations again.

It should be about me and nothing else, but why is it so hard? When I say me, I mean my life and life of people about me. What others think shouldn't matter. Then why the text suddenly becomes a public object even when it is private?


Apr. 7th, 2005 10:37 am
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
Life has been hectic and weird recently.

Ups and downs...

Amazing day of Cirque du CS. The following 2 nights of not sleeping. The resolution of dropping my history class and media arts major (not that I declared it anyway)

It is nearly impossible to do it. There is no flexibility offered for people double majoring in CS and Media Arts which is not making it really possible to do.

Warm days. We spend 2 hours with bx yesterday just laying lazily at the benches near the lake. It felt good, it felt peaceful.

Am I going back down?
or is it just spring?

I've been having so many bizarre dreams that it is weird... The variations included nightmares like someone calling me and saying I cannot take the math class I registered for next semester because it wasn't certain I would pass this one. (obviously stressing about my grades)
a dream where I was going to design a wedding for Jean-Claude and Anita. (I must be reading too much fanfiction)
or I don't know weird scenarios like this that makes me laugh as soon as I wake up.
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)
Today was my lake day. The day where I threw everything I was supposed to do aside. (except one class I had to go to) and watched the rest of my profiler episodes. (I am slightly irked by the fact that the end I was expecting was at the beginning of the 4th season which I have not bough, I might eventually do but I'd rather first save for other stuff, like X-files)
Anyway I watched the episodes (or rather listened to them since I was drawing girl figures with my midnight blue pen for most of the time) After 3 hours I feel totally out of it. My mind is crystal clear. No homeworks, no classes, no Glee Club or anything else I have been worrying constantly about.

Just blankness. I fight to keep the guilt in bay. I need this, I needed this. If your brain is gone it IS gone.

Finally found my limit: the burnout point: after a marathon of 3 years I am still picking up pieces.

Never again... I want to create art, not spend the night coding (even when it is Perl/CGI I am supposed to code: the homework was due today. I am handing it one day late... OH shoot the proposal DAMMIT! runs)
autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (burn)
Foreboding feeling of doom.

It must be the spring or something

I don't want to study, so I don't. I have a CS304 homework due tonight midnight... wanna bet I won't finish it in time?
I haven't started yet, and neither do I want to start working on it. Way too tired.


Last month was a weird one. I am still trying to understand what came over me even through it doesn't seem negative at all: I started by cleaning my room, then I cleaned myself and started to clean my livejournal. There is so much I don't want to see there anymore. Past is past, I feel it was time for me to forget to move on. What I used to be was holding me down. Because people appreciated that, I wanted to stay that way even through I had decided to renew myself when I came to US almost 2 years ago.

I want to say: full circle. In past few weeks I have been haunted by fears. Fears of death, fears of death of loved ones, fears of getting old finishing this life. So many fears without any reason. Reminds me of 9th grade. Reminds me last time I was trying to get myself out of the pit. So weird, like deja-vu. Why does it happen? Why now?

Darkness, fear, happiness. Will the next stage be same? Is there another darkness after it?

Spring arrived quite late but even when it was freezing the air was already different. It is something different. Like a slight smell that makes me think of warmth and sun. It is hard to explain really, through it was weird to feel it while trying to step through hills of snow on the pavements. Anyway I came back from France to find out all that snow has melted. And outside my window now I see green, even when the leaves didn't make their appearance yet.


I am still confused about my trip to France. I was expecting familiarity: I found strangeness. It is not my place anymore: another reminder of how much I have changed without noticing it.


Bird chirping. So beautiful, so peaceful. It sucks to be stuck here with all of this homework. I swear next semester I am talking something like 2 art classes at least. I am having a computer burnout. I still love programming I just need a break. This semester is being too much.


autumnus: A purple monochrome portrait of Zoe from Dreamfall, with drawn stars in background and "the Dreamer" written on bottom. (Default)

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